Dealing with Leeches

We've all been in situations where we find ourselves confronted by a language leech, one of those people who appear at a time inconvenient to you for no other reason than to practice/show-off their English skills. Often, it's hard to be rude at their gall as their approach could easily be misconstrued as "friendly." This is just one weapon from the arsenal they each have at their disposal for ensuring you remain a complicit and willing host for their blood sucking activities. But it doesn't have to be that way - the weapons of the enemy are equally effective with you in control. Read on for some practical tips on ensuring your life blood isn't drained, or in the case of those of us that don't teach English for a living, to prevent an irritating itch from spreading.

Skill #1: Beating them to the punch

We've all had long one-sided conversations that start like this:

Leech: "Excuse me, but where are you from?"
You: "「どこどこ」出身ですが” ("I'm from [insert name of country here]")
Leech: "Oh, it sounds like you speak Japanese very well. It must be very hard for you to learn."

To the untrained ear, this sounds perfectly acceptable and polite, but don't be fooled. Anybody that's been on the island for more than a few weeks and has picked up any linguistic skills will recognise the real purpose of this opening, that being to establish the alpha male. An approximate translation is as follows:

Leech: "My foreign language skills are superior."
You: "No, MY foreign language skills are superior."
Leech: "Then I shall condescend you into submission."
You: (Rolls over exposing soft belly)

The subtle politeness of the condescension weapon conceals its true offensive potential, making a counter-attack seem almost... inappropriate. How can you show anything but gratitude to somebody that's just paid you a compliment?!

As it turns out, that is exactly the mindset we must turn on our opponent if we are to defuse this situation before it even begins. Beat them to the punch, putting them at the disadvantage. Observe the following example:

Leech: "Excuse me, where are you from?"
You: "「すごい！英語お上手ですね！難しいでしょう？” ("Wow! Your English is really good! It must be terribly difficult for you to learn!")
Leech: "あぅ、え〜と、そうですね。ありがとうございます。" ("Oh, um, sure indeed. Thank you for your kinds words.")

Quite a different result don't you think. The underlying power struggle translates roughly as follows:

Leech: "Observe and behold my superior language skills."
You: "Then watch me use MY language skills to condescend YOURS."
Leech: "Cock it! Run for the hills!"

Problem solved, or so it would seem. Don't relax yet though. Professional leeches have a little more in their arsenal than just that. At this point, they may employ one of the trusted counter-attacks that are near guaranteed to have you groveling in submission before they're even finished vocalising the final period. Amongst these, the most potent at guard busting ugliness is "the natto paradox."

Under normal circumstances when dealing with thinking, feeling, humans, a sure way to get out of conversations you don't want to be in is to choose the least inspired answer to any topics raised so as to bore your opponent away. The so called natto paradox has been keenly designed with exactly that in mind. The question in its purest form can only be answered one of two ways, and whichever way you answer, you will suddenly be thought of as in some way extraordinary. Before reading the two examples, note that the natto paradox can be about non-natto-related topics too, but of key importance is that under no circumstances will there be ever be any context. It will always be out of the blue, when natto (or whatever) is furthest from everybody's minds. Read on:

Conversation 1:
Leach: "Do you like natto?"
You: "Sure, yeah, I guess."
Leech: (Volume increases by 70%) "Wow! That's amazing! You're foreign... and you like natto! I've never met a foreigner that liked natto before, not that I asked."

Conversation 2
Leech: "Do you like natto?"
You: "Not particularly, no."
Leech: (Volume increases by 70%) "Of course you don't. Silly asking really. You're foreign, and foreigners don't like natto. That's a fact, and you've proved it. Only we, the unique Japanese can appreciate its slightly salty and sticky taste you see, banzai banzai long live the emperor or something, I wasn't paying attention."

You might be thinking at this point that simply saying you've never tried it will suffice. This merely evades a single instance of a chain attack, and mark my words they will relentlessly try and try again without mercy until they find something, anything, that you like, or dislike to any degree.

As it's impossible to answer this question without having an uncomfortable scene caused, the trick to defusing the situation is not to answer. Or more specifically, to avoid answering without your opponent noticing that this is what you've done. This is the verbal equivalent of pointing in one direction, saying "look over there," and then running in the other. Two highly effective techniques are the Babbler and the Connoisseur.

Skill #2: The Babbler

Leech: "Do you like natto?"
You: "If you mean 'do I want to eat natto, right now?" then that's a definite NO! I'm absolutely stuffed! At the MOS* round the corner, they've got a two for the price of one special on with their chilli-tomato cheesedog burgers, and I just ate three, a double three, six. With a double helping of fries. I don't think I'll be eating for another week, but it's a very kind offer... Mr... what was your name again?"
Leech: "Um... Suzuki."
You: "Oh, Suzuki, like the fish. And you live round here do you?"
Leech: "Um... Yes?"
You: "Then you should really try out that MOS special they've got on. WoooWeeee! How old are you by the way? Are you married?**"

* Take care when choosing an establishment. Any hint of "unique Japaneseness" or "unique foreignness" will be spotted and exploited, rendering your defense ineffective. Sushi and McDonalds are good examples of ones to avoid.
** Try to turn it into a one-sided Q&A session if at all possible, before they get a chance to. This is the very nature of using the weapon of the enemy.

Skill #3: The Connoisseur

Leech: "Do you like natto?"
You: "I have to say my experience has been really a very mixed bag, as a quick perusal through any supermarket refrigerator section will bring you an awful lot of chaff for even the slightest hint of wheat. Though that's not to say there aren't some gems out there though. Generally the type that employs an artificially induced starter of bacillus subtilis natto will give a consistent but often uninspired result. You take your chances with straw, but it can certainly be argued that the benefits outweigh the risks, if chosen carefully. What particular kind did you have in mind?"
Leech: "Gosh, you know natto very well. Much more than Japanese people.*"
You: "So you mean the cheap kind then. You get what you pay for I suppose. Might I suggest Hama-natto. It's not for everyone, but if you can find some locally I think you'll be pleasantly surprised."
Leech: "..."

* Note the strained attempt to turn the situation round by condescension. Under no circumstances should this be acknowledged.


That's all we have time for this week. Next week, we'll be looking into dealing with chopsticks related compliments made while you're actually sitting eating with them, some more hints on the natto paradox including the "you eat bread with every meal of course?" and "have you ever been to a Japanese onsen?" lines of enquiry, and as a bonus, how to enjoy the full paralysing effect of my current favourite answer, "I'm here to bury my father." Watch this space!